Perhaps this is another “no-brainer,” but it is a lot easier said than done. What
is there to share?

       • your experiences of the day
       • your future plans
       • your thoughts and feelings about matters of importance to you
       • your thoughts and feelings about people in your life
       • your thoughts and feelings about each other
 

We have public and private types of thoughts and feelings. Awareness of our thoughts and feelings may come easily, may come with difficulty or may not come at all. Generally, we reserve our most private thoughts and feelings for people with whom we are closest and most trusting. The personal sharing of private thoughts and feelings is one of the elements of intimacy.

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​Sharing private thoughts and feelings helps to create intimacy.



Language is the primary vehicle for sharing thoughts and feelings, so it is important to develop a language of self-disclosure. If you have nothing to say, it can be difficult for your partner to know how you are doing and what you are experiencing. Consequently, it may be tough for her to make a connection with you. It may take an effort to formulate your thoughts and your feelings. You need to put your thoughts and feelings into words.



Put your thoughts and feelings into words.

       • “We didn’t talk about feelings when I was growing up.”
       • “I don’t think that I ever heard my parents say that they loved one another. And they never said they loved me.”
       • “The only feeling that was ever expressed in my family was anger.”
       • “If I talked about my feelings, my mom told me that I was just getting too full of myself.”
       • “It just didn’t take much for me to get a beating, so I just kept my mouth shut.”

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Maybe that wasn’t your experience growing up, and maybe it was. The point is, for some people, knowing and expressing feelings was not encouraged, and for some, expressing feelings was punished. Because of those developmental experiences, some people need a high degree of confidence that sharing feelings is not going to go badly. Some of that confidence is achieved through the slow testing of the waters, and some of it is comes from faith.

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Our feeling life is one of the most personal aspects of who we are. Our feelings might give us the highest high in one moment, and in another moment give us the lowest low. The potential for this kind of change causes many of us to want to have a high degree of control over our sensitive feelings for fear our strong feelings will be overwhelming. The higher our uncertainty is about becoming overwhelmed, the greater is our need for trust. When trust is developed and feelings are shared, it can be very satisfying. This is one of the most important elements of intimacy.



Develop trust that if you share your feelings with your partner,

there will be a positive outcome.