​Preliminary exercise:

Write down several things about your partner that distress you and several things that please you. Write down the first things that come to your mind in whatever way the ideas form.



Many people simply think that they are right. And it is entirely understandable. We were raised to think that way. From the time that we are little, our parents instructed us in the ways of the world by telling us the right and wrong way to act. We were disciplined for doing things that were wrong and praised for doing things that were right. Girls and boys were told that they were good when they helped out around the house and they were bad if they hit their sibling. In school, this way of thinking was reinforced even more. It was all about giving the right and the wrong answer. Our political system also reinforces this way of thinking by convincing the electorate that voting for one candidate is on the side of right while the other is on the side of wrong. The institutions of home, school and government often appear to have little grey area. So it makes sense that tensions and difficulties between people are approached within this same framework: I’m right and you’re wrong, and I’m sure of it.

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There is a developmental and cultural basis for thinking in terms of right and wrong.

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This developmental basis for settling tensions in childhood easily becomes the basis for settling tensions in adulthood. Consequently, when tense moments arise between couples, both parties can quickly begin to think about who is right and who is wrong. It seems pretty straightforward: figuring out who’s right and who’s wrong determines who is supposed to change. Unfortunately, it rarely works out very well when couples take this approach, for several reasons.
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First, two people often have different views of what is right and wrong, particularly when it comes to domestic and social issues. And second, people often have a hard time being told that they are “wrong.”


The kinds of issues that couples have don’t lend themselves to this absolutist way of thinking that we may have learned in childhood. Consequently, it is useful to develop the construct of relative right and wrong. This is not to say that right and wrong don’t exist or we should abandon morality, generally agreed upon standards or the laws of the land. If there are violations at that level, it is important to call a spade a spade and to be accountable for our behavior.

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Develop the construct of relative right and wrong.

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This construct of relative right and wrong works for a multitude of differences that have nothing to do with morality or legalities. In practical terms, when a behavior is bothersome, it might be expressed as not being “right for me” or as being “wrong for you.” This becomes a useful construct in discussing differences, because we don’t then need to defend our behavior in terms of what is right or wrong for the community, the universe or on some other order of morality. Differences can be expressed as discomforts, comforts, pleasures, displeasures or benefits. When both partners’ points of view are presented from this perspective, defensiveness is minimized. Rather than discussing who is right or wrong, couples can discuss the relative importance and strength of feeling that each person has about the problem, thus creating a more negotiable basis for resolution.
 
“This is not right for me.”
“It is wrong for you.”
“I don’t feel right about this.”
“It just feels wrong to me.”